MY LAST DAYS

You ever got that feeling of understanding something without experiencing? It’s actually nice. I can imagine how it will feel to resign and wait for the relieving day. Detached from your work, from the files and folders you spent your years and hours with; you don’t want to look at them anymore coz you know that you won’t be around to see what becomes of them. When I sit back and start thinking too much in the moments like this one, I can almost feel the same (without actually experiencing it), lekin yahaan zara zindagi aur maut kaa maamla hai.

Started watching Philadelphia yesterday, couldn’t finish. I can’t, am too damn scared—so scared that I don’t even want to get a test done and know things for sure. Fact is, I am not sure how am I gonna face the truth if the truth is ugly. My one night stand in Bangkok, my first ever and first ever with a hooker; has left me with a deep sense of—not guilt, not satisfaction, not pleasure, no……nothing at all. What a waste! I just know that I can’t get the Elisa test done. Its hard to face that you lost the chance to live a lifetime with your best friend, to see him marry the girl you helped him get, see him have (shote-shote) kids, see him fighting to find time for you between his post-MBA job, wife and kids; and its hard to face that you miss all these same things happening to you as well and let your friend see it.

It’s hard, it’s too damn hard. I can’t imagine how am I gonna take it if I have indeed f*&ked up my life. Assume for an instance that I am done, I am doomed. This best friend I am talking so fondly of, will stop seeing me. My parents, my sisters, my cousins and relatives who have so idolized me; what do I become to them—I can’t even begin to imagine. I am sure I really can’t say anything without underestimating or overestimating their affection for me. Although I do understand that I will be a shame to everybody who has ever known and loved me; but what I don’t understand is how I become a rotten, a fallen human because I slept with a girl who was ready to sleep with me for some money. How come all the deeds of a lifetime be lost to one moment of ……..call it “fallacy” if you like. Now if I kill or rape someone, a finger pointing at me will have a shape, it will have a whole body behind it……a body borne out of my guilt and the wrongness (<What is right?>) I inflicted onto another human. I could have seen the body with my eyes, I could have touched it; and shivered. But I dint do nothing like that. My one moment of …whatever ………………
Why do you hate me so much? Wat can I say, I am just too damn scared.